This is an article written by a cat lover as a satire.
Some say there are two kinds of people: dog people and cat people, although according to the urban legend both could also be [mole people].
Yet, some weirdos desperately yearn to make dogs into cats. They dress their dog with cute little hats or bow ties and arranging them in baskets like a deranged form of doggo hikebana. This needs to stop, now.
Here are my 5 reasons why dogs are not and will never be cats, regardless how hard they might try (sorry not sorry, dogs).
1. Dogs and cats have very different personalities
Nothing summarizes the dichotomy between cats and dogs more than the very idiom “like cats and dogs”. While cats are cute little balls of fur, purrs and pain, they mostly enjoy being left alone napping in the warmest place in the house. They usually hate water and prefer the dry comfort of a too small cardboard box. Dogs on the other hand absolutely love water.
They spend hours in ponds, rivers lakes, the neighbor’s pool, puddles and the neighbor’s pool again, like there’s no tomorrow. They usually come back home filthy and leave muddy, wet, footprints all around the house. I don’t see them stopping this childish behavior anytime soon. This alone disqualifies them from ever hoping to make it as a cat.
2. Dogs Look Nothing Like Cats
To the untrained eye, dogs and cats might be confused. At first glance, this may be a temporary evaluation, however, further examination leaves absolutely no doubt. Both species are famous for their luscious…but also renowned for their lack of fur. Yet, they are worlds apart.
It would be really unrealistic for a dog to pretend to be a cat, even while wearing an elaborate mask. Their anatomy is also very different of a cat’s, even before dissection. Cat paws have retractile claws while the only thing retractile about a dog’s claws are nothing. Plus dogs will eat anything. Cats on the other hand, use their stomachs differently: mainly to throw up on the carpet.
3. Social Media Influence
While both cats and dogs are technically mammals, dogs produce puppies instead of kittens. In my humble opinion, this is yet again a perfect ruined opportunity for dogs to be cats some day. Are you even trying, dogs? We need more kitteh in our lives. Female dogs, known as bitches do have an unfair advantage on Instagram: they seem to have more nipples to display. Male dogs, known as doggos, may not show their nipples as much but they still tend to show up a lot on Instagram. Instagram needs more cats is my main point here.
4. Fighting Skills
Cats are cold killing machines, they can instantly turn from warm and fuzzy to a storm of needle like claws and pointy teeth that will make you immediately regret your decision of rubbing that tummy. Dogs, lacking honorable weapons like razor like talons, have to rely on trickery or brute force. This is despicable, at least cats have the decency to ambush your feet from under the sofa with honor and dignity.
5. Are Dogs Even a Thing?
Anyone knows what a cat is. They gained worldwide fame millennia before internet memes came around. The cat brand is strong and recognizable. But who can even attempt to explain what a dog is? Some will have huge flappy ears and weight up to several tons while others are weird small creatures covered in ridiculous coats and shoes. It is almost impossible to tell a dog from pile of fur in your closet. Dogs need to reconsider their market position and come over to the cat side.
